state i'm in: neuromantic.
tune: eric benét "love don't love me".
i'm right in the middle of a neurology block at the moment, and i'm loving every moment of it. people assume this to be my home turf because of my background in neuroscience from undergrad, but it is more because i adore the logical nature of the field. my background has given me a pretty good grip on anatomy, in particular the neuroanatomy that ensures that the vernacular of these four weeks is a language i speak with fluency, so that i can draw the line between pathology and clinical features with a fair degree of ease. i really revel in the concept that a lesion in locus 'x' of the central nervous system will invariably manifest as 'y' clinical picture. my resolve to become a neurologist (perhaps a kooky one, with an old leather briefcase full of examination utensils, an odd sense of humour and a propensity to sit and stroke my chin whilst absent in thought) has been bolstered accordingly. fun times indeed.in other news, i bought a car a couple of weeks ago, a cute little mid-90s volvo 440 (i'll post a picture soon - it's a little one, not one of those old clunkers). i picked it up cheap from a colleague of my father's and so far it's been rewarding driving, better than i expected. after a good clean inside and out, ably assisted by suffien and my folks, it is now feeling like my car. just have to buy a couple of things to tidy up the external appearance and maybe give it a sticker or two. it's amazing how much freedom having a car affords. it's been a couple of years since i have had one on a permanent basis, and i am sure i will not be taking it for granted for some time to come. my arms are certainly pleased now that they don't have to carry two or three heavily laden grocery 'green bags' up that bloody hill i live at the top of!
i found myself with two of my fingers in a woman's vagina on friday. this may seem like an odd statement for me to make to those that know me (or have put two and two together from reading my profile at right) and the thought of it had my mother in hysterics. i am referring to training in pap smear and pelvic and breast examination that i received at the mater hospital. i wasn't entirely sure how i would react, and i am happy to say i was unaffected by the experience. from a clinical perspective, i thoroughly enjoyed the training, and its practical applicability. the women i was working with were quite remarkable from the viewpoint of their dedication to teaching and learning and their ability to teach what could otherwise be a somewhat traumatic experience in an environment that is professional but comfortable. before the examination, they questioned the other student and myself if there is anything they should know about before proceeding that might make the experience particularly challenging for either of us. as they were asking, i considered letting them know that i am gay and that my experience with female genitalia is, to say the least, somewhat limited. but i didn't bother, as i couldn't see how it might make things harder. in the end, my sexuality probably made things easier.
so it has been a couple of weeks of excitement and new experiences. however, i am finding myself feeling a little dejected from a combination of the relentless nature of my studies and the insidious onset of age. i remember a few years ago an acquaintance who was about the same age as i am now rejected my advice that it wasn't too late to return to study or seize a change of direction in life. now i think i understand where he was coming from. true, 27 is not old, but i am finding staring down the barrel of 30 to be a little daunting. i would like to enter my 30s well prepared to further my career, with the opportunity to acquiring assets such as property, and be able to do share these goals with someone of like mind. i'd like maximal opportunities to surpass my goals in life, and as long as i am still a student, particularly in my academic years, it feels as if i am not even in the race. i acknowledge completely that it was i that made the decision to study med, and i ought to just be patient and focus on the present, but i can't help wanting to hit the ground running. as it is, at 30 i will be merely taking my first steps.
damn past! damn immaturity! damn affordability crisis!
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image: public domain
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