automating

mood: essentially flat.
state i'm in: a tad askew.
tune: tasmin archer 'sleeping satellite'.


i track down a lot of songs from when i was younger, songs that i knew then, or perhaps just an artist i knew from that era that i had one song of, who i now proceed to acquire many songs of. i guess it takes me back to that era of my life, teenage years, when times were a lot more dynamic and exciting.

there were many things i needed to do, whereas now there are basically just things i want to do. now if i want to get into a relationship with a certain person, than i go and do it; when i want to study a certain course, i go and study it - basically, i do the things i want to do, and not the things i need to do. i once needed to act in a certain way, and spend time with certain crowds, and have a certain type of fun, and sleep with a certain type of person - these were things i needed to do, in order to be a person i needed to be.

i find it a lot more exciting when i am doing the things i need to do. why do i find more excitement in the things i need to do, and not those i want to do, a predicament that defies intuition? (even now, the most exciting things are still those i need to do, such as exams or compulsory prac work.) i fancy it's because back then, i needed to do certain things, such things that lead to me growing up, achieving milestones, whereas now i am mostly grown up, i think. what could be more exciting than growing up?

growing up is more exciting than being grown up, which is basically about being too mechanistic, i think.