half flush or full?

mood: flattened but not low.
state i'm in: ready to come to life again.
tune: madonna "something to remember" album.
achievement for the day: realising something.

i wrote this last night, but "blogger" shat itself, so up it goes this morning.



at some point we no longer feel with such intensity.


how intense were the feelings of an early love; of simply going out for a night with friends; of being excited when taking a pill, not knowing what it would bring; of buying a little gift for the one i loved thinking it might make a difference in his day; of knowing you messed up when you ruined dinner - again; of standing on a bridge and being healed with a kiss; of taking a look in the mirror to see that colour in my hair was just a tad brighter than i expected; of hearing a record down the other end of a pair of sennheisers make that certain sound that made me smile and nod; of seeing a friend in heaven on a podium, hands in the air; of defending myself from a brutal attack; of nervously sitting at the end of a table having a coffee, while a boy i had a crush on was at the other end; of making someone a bit better by singing a few silly lines of a song to them; of hurting someone by running from them, separating yourself because you were sure you had to; of wandering around a humid hole, relying on someone else to find an able mate for a menage a trois; of committing a certain crime; of sitting drunk on the awning in the drizzling rain.


you get used to the tears and pain, the smiles and laughs, the tastes and sounds, the confusion and certainty. and it takes a far greater jolt to escape from this refractory state.

the effects of life's stimuli gradually diminish when experienced continously or repeatedly.

is it tolerance, a gradual decrease in responsiveness to stimuli? are my neurons now tired and worn out, requiring ever more potent doses of "life" to elicit a precious action potential? with such a perspective, one might believe it is time to get over it and accept the outcome.

or is it resistance, the loss of effectiveness of stimuli due to a means of escaping the mechanism of action of the stimulus? are my neurons working in concert with the rest of an integrated body no longer responding to life's stimuli because, as they have learned to escape the efficacy of these stimuli, the organism as a whole has been better able to go about its business of amassing wealth, power, and a suitable mate? with such a perspective, one might believe it is time to settle into the driver's seat and influence the outcome.


good bye adolescence, and in response to the title,

"BOTH!"

now i just have to convince myself to press them.