the first love

mood: sombre and reflective.
state i'm in: battered by my anatomy text book.
tune: ministry of sound dance nation 3, 1996.
achievement for the day: feeling of fulfillment.




they say you never love another like your first. my first love was house music.

as a kid, i wasn't awfully musical. i was rejected from the school band before i was even given a chance (that memory is very clear), and i subsequently never picked up an instrument. i was influenced primarily by my brother i suppose. he was very heavily into hip hop in the late eighties and early nineties. many of his tapes i can remember clearly: Geto Boys, NWA, Eazy-E, Ice Cube, Naughty By Nature, Scarface, Paris, Menace II Society, Public Enemy, and so it goes on. i always preferred the funkier side of hip hop. There were a few of Eazy-E's and Ice Cube's songs that i still love to this day, and i had no hesitation embracing west coast g-funk, Dr Dre, Warren G, Nate Dogg, Snoop Dogg, and others. however, just as the g-funk seed was being planted in my brain, an old chipped tape, with layers of liquid-paper over previous names of recordings fell into my palms.

and so the course of history was altered.

that tape was titled 'Crossover Compilation'. i had no idea who any of the artists on it were, but i loved it. without any influence of taste from others, at the age of 14, i fell head over heels in love. i found out the names of a few of the songs as they filtered from europe down to late night Rage. Urban Cookie Collective, Hocus Pocus, and Datura to name a few. (one day i actually found the CD in a jumble sale for $5.00 - you can't imagine the feeling.) the music was riddled with references to escapism, yet maintained through its beat constant control and regularity. this music quickly became my spirituality.

once i could work, i could spend. money was tight, but i managed to purchase singles, and the occasional album, and by the time i reached senior high school i had a sizable collection of the music i loved, and i served as an influence to several friends who were becoming interested in this new religion - i loved my god, and i was one of her prophets. i read magazines from europe and melbourne with a keen interest to see what new house music i could expect to hear in the coming months, and i gazed for hours at the pics of people "out of their heads" in clubs, embracing the experience i longed so desperately for.

i turned 18, and i embraced it. the tube, viva, the beat, arena raves, system 6, warehouse raves, the empire hotel, and la discotheque. once the drugs wore off, i found myself rejecting hadcore and trance, and returning to my niche - house was my home. but i shot myself in the foot, several times. i treated my love with contempt. after all she had given me, i turned my back. when she needed me the most, i deserted her. mainstream radio had grabbed her by the throat in brisbane and i knew it would be the end. i had already found distractions, a new love, and as she fell to her knees, i stared into her weak eyes, then turned away. for she had found acquaintance with new people herself, people of whom i didn't approve. perhaps i could have given the new circumstances a chance, but no. at that moment, i became a jaded cunt, and have never looked back since. "they ruined house music in brisbane". they had stolen my love.

we maintained a sordid love for years to come, but things faded. i grew less able to tolerate the changes she was undergoing. maybe i was unable to keep up, but to me, her purity had been destroyed. i have always had a pain in my heart from believing that fact.

fast forward to august 2006.

i gaze into a large dusty carton at rows of albums and singles. the vinyl isn't here, but i can see the gorgeous black things in my mind, gleaming in the bedroom light.

i love you house music, and i miss you house music. i might go looking once more for a chance to rekindle that lost love, but should i fail, let us never forget.